Fake News for Christmas - Gill On Gib

UFO sightings

This week there have been unconfirmed reports of unauthorised incursions into Gibraltar Airspace. An eye witness claims to have seen the red glow in the night sky over the Rock heading from Europa Point towards the airport. The MOD have refused to comment but an insider source claims that customs officials tried to apprehend the vehicle on the suspicion that the aircraft contained packages that had not been declared.

The aircraft had been spotted ditching packages when chased across the night sky. Customs do not believe this to be related to cigarettes or illegal drugs, but have seen this kind of activity happen before in Gibraltar, at least once a year. A man dressed in red and with grey facial hair was seen to run off towards Eastern beach leaving scattered packages on the runway with 7 large undeclared animals, when asked for the animal documentation passports. The local vet has been called to re-home the animals, and an appeal has been started on Facebook, although one poor beast has been kept in the vets for observations, due to its suspected allergy and red nose.

Elsewhere in Gibraltar, in what might be a related incident, the Environmental Services team, fondly known as CSI Gibraltar, continue to tackle the serious crime of dog poo, that has had plagued the streets and social media pages. The teams have been collecting sample and placing them in plastic bags and sending them for analysis in England. There has been a delay in discovering whose dog has violated the streets of Gibraltar as the overzealous British Customs officials, who have been on high alert over the summer, have on several occasions called the bomb squad to dispose of these Gibraltarian suspect packages, thus thwarting Minister John Cortes attempts to fine the dog poo perpetrators.

Interestingly, one of the samples did make it to the British laboratory without being detonated, and it has now been confirmed that the sample taken from the Laguna estate actually belonged to a species of dog called Reindeer. This lesser known animal on Gibraltar should be easy to track down, however to date, no fines have been issued due to the fact that the Reindeer have not been licensed, nor over medicated with unnecessary injections, nor has their owner heavily paid for DNA sampling to identify themselves, rendering the samples useless.

The Minister for Justice, Neil Costa, was unavailable for comment due to other pressing engagements, however, Panorama believe this is either a cover up or an issue in which the law needs to be changed to include other animals which continue to do their do do on the streets of Gibraltar. It is totally unacceptable that reindeer can wander around without someone carrying bags and a litre of water to wash down the pavements.

Calm

The Royal Gibraltar Police calls for calm, particularly amongst the younger members of Gibraltar. If a man wearing a red coat and trousers and black boots, wearing a white bushy beard approaches anyone and begins to asks questions, the Police recommend that children tell an adult immediately. Official advice is to be alert, back away slowly and do not be fooled into asking questions about your favourite toy.

The Director of Child Management in Gibraltar has said to have serious concerns that children that have been particularly naughty this year, may feel the full consequences of their behaviour in the coming weeks. There are serious indications that Santa Claus is watching Gibraltar with interest. The Chief Minster also appealed for calm saying that "There was nothing to worry about.

He had been sent a memo only last week, regarding the relocation of Santa's Grotto due to Brexit, and that Gibraltar's redevelopment of St Michaels cave was an option being considered. Work is due to commence in the New Year and will be finished before Christmas 2019." It is understood that planning consent may have already been given. The proposed tower block inside the cave will be tastefully designed, and will have a bitcoin payment technology on the ground floor, a cafe and visitor centre and hi tech stabling for logistical purposes.

Elves

Due to the distinct lack of local elves, the ETB are looking further afield for trained and qualified staff to accommodate this new enterprise. Once built and fully modernised, there is a rumour that St Michaels Cave may be mortgaged to boost funds for the new super yacht marina project. In London, Theresa May and her Cabinet have chaired a meeting to the International effect this may have on talks with Brussels and to the millions of Europeans that rely on the annual services provided by Santa.com. Already aware that she may have showed her hand a little too early, Mrs May will try to back track to fool Gibraltar that she still has their best interests at heart, in an attempt to remain within Santa's newly chosen jurisdiction, despite most of the population seeing her cunning plan.

Although there has been no comment from the Heritage Trust as yet, we believe they may be considering a formal letter of complaint regarding this major construction project within the cave itself.

Meanwhile the Royal Gibraltar Police have the last word of the year, with their new Commissioner of Police, Iain McGrail, promising to keep the streets of Gibraltar safe for all who live here. In his first public announcement he dealt with most of the items mentioned above saying his top priorities would be dealing with National security, the fight against illegal drugs and improving the public perception of the Royal Gibraltar Police, leaving reindeer dropping to CSI Gibraltar.

20-12-17 PANORAMAdailyGIBRALTAR